Call an optimist, she's turning blue

Tummy hurts...
I go sleep more soon after drinky chocolate beverage. :(

Not dead. Needed to be said. :)

Wow.

Not dead.

Had to say that.

It's like coming back after 100 years and everything is all modernized. Spaceship-like. (The controls are so sleek now captain....)
Today I am plugged into the net.
Yay!

I am STARVING.
Food time. Must hunt for menu of menus...Tasty.

This journal needs to stick around. This is where the insecurities need to come to live.
I kinda like this place...old and filled with the comfort of a thousand broken memories...I know these chipped, battered walls.

But I'd like to stay in the upstairs part...I wish I could.

Somethings just keep dragging me back down here.

I hurt... everywhere. My back hurts cause I just never could find the money to go to the doctor after the car accident that put me in the ER. My teeth hurt from all the constant changing pressure in my sinuses and from whatever the fuck they are doing......from my ear drums sucking inward and causing some sort of vertigo-like state. Something is wrong with my Thyroid gland and I don't know what that means. I have no idea what is my Thyroid gland screwing me up and what is other stuff.

I can't even think straight anymore. Half the time I don't even know what's in my own head. I'm weary...
And I don't know why...I see the wrinkles creeping closer everyday...the ones that don't fade as much anymore when I stop smiling. I feel kinda like the Blazer. Like a ragged out car.

I'm selling the Blazer, unless of course Pimp My Ride or Overhaulin takes me up on my plea for help.
I thought I'd at least try one last time before I give up yet another part of a happier time.

You know, I thought I'd actually make it through this chapter safe and sound...without a scratch. I was almost out and I thought I could go into the next part ready, prepared. Finally not thrown for a loop with every scrap of dignity taken from me.
I'm coming apart at the seams and everyone knows.

I'm that little stuffed Velveteen Rabbit...I tried to squeeze under that last jagged barbed wire fence...I thought : "Everything's ok...we're all ok and we'll be home and together soon. We'll be happy and no one will ever hurt us again."
But I didn't notice the fence snag me...and now I'm unraveling....
And I've still got so much further to crawl home...
If I ever make it.

I've failed. And now, everyone can see
Now all I have time to do is come up with a fast plan...b?



THERE was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid...
        ...For at least two hours the Boy loved him...
...and in the excitement of looking at all the new presents the Velveteen Rabbit was forgotten...

    ...He was naturally shy, and being only made of velveteen, some of the more expensive toys quite snubbed him...
..The Rabbit could not claim to be a model of anything, for he didn't know that real rabbits existed...
          ...Between them all the poor little Rabbit was made to feel himself very insignificant and commonplace, and the only person who was kind to him at all was the Skin Horse....

I miss my Tony...
And my family and friends and being happy...

I don't really like LJ anymore...
Guess it was going to happen someday...
Everyone left and whatnot so whatever.
I go too...at least...
Eventually.

You know what? I bet there are a lot of people that think I'm a loser.

But I'll tell you what. I don't care.
I've got an awesome life and I'm happy for a change.

My boy is the best ever...snuggly and sweet...I don't think I can see living without him anymore. It just feels right falling asleep next to someone again. It feels right because it's him. I feel like we're part of eachother, seriously.  I know he's my one...
I can't wait til he gets home...
I'm so stoned...lol

Mushrooms tonight, hopefully. All will be well regardless.
I need more weed.

Yes, I found out, mushrooms, most definitely. Hehehehehehe

I have to go seriously now...

I've been feeling a tad bit under the weather lately and haven't been up to doing much. which I know isn't the most pleasant for my sweetie.
But he is so patient and loving, hehehe.

He brought me roses today when he came home from work, the kind that are pale, pale pink petals with brighter pink tips. :D
I snapped a pic of them all arranged in a big beer mug that I borrowed from Chris' roomie. I really need to get some pics off my phone and put on here...but for some reason I can't get my phone to send them to my email.

::sigh:: my back is hurting still. I think I need to go drink some water and lie down for a bit. 

Can't wait til my sweetie is done with the recording session...I don't even know if I am feeling up to going to Montgomery tonight.  I wish I didn't feel so drained. Argh...
I guess I just miss how warm he is all curled up next to me in bed, and his sweet blue eyes looking into mine :)

Anyway, time to go rest...I sleepy

As you guys could tell I haven't been updating lately...I am so busy or tired that I just don't have time. But it's ok cause I seemingly have found time right now...but this is boring.

I want to go in the basement and play the theremin...but I don't know if anyone is home that I might annoy. I need to play...erg. Hehehe. If I can figure that thing out I think it would be neat.

I took some awesome pics of my baby at the show at Workplay
I should be able to get my hands on them and put them in my myspace pics. ::sigh:: I'm so lazy...

I got to go, I need a drinky, a ciggie, and to lay down. My back is killing me...

Wow...I'm stoned.

I meant to say, "I love lappie."
I don't even know how I am typing right now and I was supposed to say something profound and meaningful.....

I remember!

I lost the password for my Andie040682 AIM account. 

ATTENTION!!!!

My new (actually old, I've had it for 7 years) AIM screen name is:

Serraangel1982

Write it down, memorize it. Better yet! Add me to your buddylist people. I've also lost access to a lot of the screen names I had for everyone. So I can't remember exactly every screen name...since most are spelled weird or substitute letters for other stuff...anyway.
Sorry...
:D

And yet again...

NOT DEAD.

I said it.

Now time to go play in the real world. OR sleep...if I can.

I keep trying to tap the touchy pad thing on Chris' mac...lol I don't think I could get used to such a tiny little computer with no tap sensitive touchy pad. Or maybe not.  I guess it's not so bad.
I don't feel like a midget hehe.

I'm in Birmingham right now, sitting in the middle of my boyfriend's big bed and I have been having such a great time. Let me recall all the wonderful things so far:

(Not so wonderful= work. ) I stabbed a knife into my right hand while trying to cut some stubborn tape and one of my coworkers was trying to talk to me. Yeah. Embarassing. It bled from 9:30am to almost 3pm.  I went into mild shock and my lips turned blue.  I had intended on giving blood later that day but was told that I lost more than one person should in one day and shouldn't try for fear of death. lol... I went to the ER but they kept me waiting soooo long before they would even let me back and I was worried...so worried that I had called Chris and my mom from work because of how bad it initially was.
I just remember watching it go in and me throwing the knife down and promptly yelling "Fuck!" multiple times.  Then I grabbed my hand and tried to apply pressure, which failed because I was bleeding out around my thumb and my hand got all slippery...
Then I tried to use my shirt to wrap around it. That didn't help either cause the shirt was acting like a wick and soaking up all the blood...which was still bubbling up out of my hand.
My boss saw what happened and we went into the RSA tower (where I had been working on the generators they had out there) to find help. No luck but he did find some gauze and alcohol wipes. LOL They didn't help too much but we managed to bandage up my hand a little and used my bandana to tie around it all. That helped a little and the bleeding slowed down but was far from stopping.
I tried to go back to work (I really needed the money) but I realized that the fat was oozing out of the gash and that it started swelling up like crazy so I made calls and made arrangements to leave.
I picked up my mom, we went to the ER and had it stitched up. (The whole ordeal was terrible, I don't wanna go into details)
3 stitches, a huge fight between me and mom, and a bottle of painpills later, (I had a busy day)  I'm riding around with Kristi (I had gone to the mall out of boredom and loneliness) high as hell and I'm waiting on Chris to get into town.
He insisted that he come pick me up rather than me drive up here. Hehehe...what a sweetie.

Well, we were in the process of getting some green and we headed back to the house (after I picked up my car from the mall) and Chris was already there when I got there. :) It was niiicce hehe.  We smoked a couple bowls and then headed to B'ham.
I'm sure I dozed off a bit on the way up.  But since we got here it's been so relaxing and for some odd reason I slept tons the first day.
Chris has been taking care of me and feeding me yummies hehehe. I can't wait til this coming weekend so I can do the same for him...::purrrrr::
We even went on Saturday to get matching cell phones and he added me to his plan so we can call eachother for free.  And not to mention it saves a shitload of money compared to what I was paying for prepaid.
I think he's spoling me...which is both good and bad hehehe. I'm not gonna complain...just spoil him right back.
:D

Saturday we ran errands (I mentioned the cell phones) and then we went to Walmart and junk. We ordered a pizza, came home, showered and smoked some green and got ready for the show that Chris' band was playing at the Nick that night. The pizza was yummy and Jesse Payne played an awesome show. (We also had gotten there at 8pm so they could set up their equipment. And he bought me a white russian, which was damn good. I don't remember if I have ever had one before though. ) Later at the show, I had a couple beers. Drinking's not really my thing though. Especially not with the meds for my hand. I'll stick with green thank you.

It's just so nice experiencing domestic life with someone again...especially since I've fallen so hard for him like I have. Even grocery shopping was awesome. :) We got cereal and we got meat to make hamburgers. (We grilled out last night.)
Yesterday he had to work from like 11am-2pm and I slept in...it was sooo comfy. After he got home we got to be lazy :) At some point we wandered out to the grocery store and got food.
To be honest I have been a little out of it and sleepy this whole weekend. I just know I've been having a blast lol.
And this morning after I got out of bed for the second time (hehe) I ate some fruity pebbles and packed a bowl to smoke with Chris' roomie.

Well, I'm going to go check Facebook and Myspace to see what's up, then I'm going to make a hamburger and smoke the little bit of green I have left. Hehe.

Bye bye journal land!

...Which is sometimes normal for me lol.... I was gonna write down something that popped in my mind for a song...cause I generally have it happen like that...bit by glorious bit. 
But unfortunately it's hard to get to a pen and paper in time...
I even tried keeping a tiny journal in my back pocket for a while but I always get irritated to have something so large crammed into the back pocket of my jeans when I am trying to sit down so I end up leaving it at home...bah.
I forgot what I was going to write....
Nevermind...I was sitting there with my notebook and a passerby in my head whispered a line so intriguing I had to follow him.  So I did and stumbled upon a plethora of untapped creativity....
So I took some time out to jot my thoughts down in the notebook in my lap.  I'm going to finish this entry and explore upon it further.
I'd say it will set the theme for the entry...

And lately I have been annoying myself a tad bit....thankfully my redeeming qualities have kept me from hanging myself...amongst other things :)
Why am I so fascinated with nooses? ::shakes head:: quit it Andie... :(

But I do think that if and when the time ever comes  that would be my preferred method.  Or I had actually been thinking how much of a rush it would be to go out in a head on crash...but then there's the whole possibility of taking out someone else.
And that's not cool.
Actually  it sounds too complicated...and I guess the Blazer doesn't deserve that either. 
Hmm....I wonder if it's also the fact that it would be mega scary especially if I made it through.
Maybe I'd prefer that though...a wake up call...a reason.
::sigh::
I mean...erg...I love living. Don't get me wrong..
But life has made we weary...I don't want to die, or give up or anything like that at all right now.  I want to see how it all ends, what life holds for me.
But I'm scared that it's nothing at all..

I just entered into a new, wonderful relationship. I have nothing but good feelings about it.  Being with Chris is actually one of the few things that still stirs something in me.  I usually have a hard time feeling...like ugh. ::shakes head again::
What am I trying to say?
I don't usually look forward to anything because the feelings are so tainted with the knowledge that everything we co-exist with is so fleeting.  Everything!  People, places, feelings, ideas, love. All of it.
It makes me sick...
But at the same time...I think of Chris and it's like when I look at things around me, there's this aura that spreads out...beyond my vision...it covers any and everything in it's path and kills the hurt of knowing it's all going to end.
Because I realize it won't..."It" will go on long after I am gone...long after the world as we know it ends.
I guess I feel as if it's me that's missing out. Missing out on all those lifetimes in the future....all those dimensions I can't touch.
I've always felt like there was something out there I couldn't have or hadn't found yet.  Something that was missing when I was made.
I don't have any paranoia of things with him ending badly, I feel pretty darn secure.
But there's always that gnawing "too good to be true" voice.
Why won't it stop? I know it's the fact I call attention to it.  
It's like part of me is BLATANTLY lying to myself and I can't stand it.
I'd like to kill that part of me.

I know that it's just because that's how my mind works. And it makes me angry that  my opinions seem to matter very little because there's always something there trying to bring me down. I can't shake it.
See what I mean? I'm never truly suicidal...but I want to find a way to flush the demons from my mind that keep whispering lies...
I am the demon...I am the monster underneath my own bed.

I am all there is to fear in the dark.

Anywhoo, I decided to give all of you just little teaser for the new song.  The lyrics are all done, and I of course have the music in my head...I just need a useable guitar and shizz to expand on it.

Here you go:

"Apathetic, A.I."   

I am
I am all there is
I am all there is
I am the demon
I am the demon
the demon
The demon of life
This one you can't slay
I am the demon
I am the demon
The demon of life
And though I can't touch you
I'll find another way

Heh...I said teaser
Depending on things, like if anyone cares I will probably add the rest to the bottom of each entry piece by piece.
Just for fun. 
Here's my song of the moment...brought to you by The Amazement Someone Feels Like I Do.  Heh.

"Without You" by Silverchair

Miles away
There's hopeless smiles brighter than mine
And I need for you to come and go
Without the truth falling out

Old incisions refusing to stay
Like sun through the trees on a cloudy day

You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat
But it melts in the sun like a life without love
And I've waited for you so I'll keep holding on
Without you
Without you

Telephone
Socially scared and impaired
If the trees will bloom the wind can blow
Without the fruit falling out

Old incisions refusing to stay
Like sun through the trees on a cloudy day

You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat
But it melts in the sun like a life without love
And I've waited for you so I'll keep holding on
Without you
Without you

Feels like the wind blows
Holding you with us
She takes no other
False light and ashes
Blooming like winter

You brighten my life like a polystyrene hat
But it melts in the sun like a life without love
And I've waited for you so I'll keep holding on 
Without you
Without you
Without you

I have been having this creative flood lately. Quite nice...Funny thing is, it usually goes more towards the lyrics writing part.
But as of late,  I've been having some sort of craving to make the music...::sigh::

I need a cord for my gee-tar hehehe
and I need to find the rest of those peg thingies.  I know how it goes back together, that's all that matters :D
::giggle::
I just realized that almost every electronic thing I have ever owned/used I have sat down and figured out how to use it myself with little or no help.  That includes guitars, cars and sandwiches...

Speaking of those...I have one to go eat.  It's been in a little paper bag I have been toting around for 4 hours now. Mmmmm...just how I like em ;)
I just realized that the roll I took Monday night is still kicking my ass...lol I think it triggered all the hits of acid I have done in the past...it probly didn't help I had Mike cracking my back (from my neck to tailbone) a couple times.  I'm tripping slightly....
Ahhh...good music in my headphones....
very, very relaxing...

And sleep will come soon after. :D  I'll probably be dreaming about my Chris :)   ::sigh::  I miss him...
Damn...I wish he was here.

I do not care so much about the bike today...but that is today hehehe.

Tommorow I may kill.
I will make like my killer zombie turtles. And it will be good. 
But I am soooo sleepy.  (I haven't even had the pleasure of sleeping in my bed since before I left for B'ham to see Chris..hehehe. I haven't had much sleep AT ALL. )  Argh.  I can't complain.  Today...well...I could have enjoyed sleeping more than most other things... but few things on my favorites list can beat the time I got to spend with him. ::purrrr:: 
I just want him here next to me while I take a nap...that way when I wake the first thing to meet my gaze would be his...:)
Then I could just die happy.
(Not that I'd want to, I wanna stick around to see what goes down.)

Can we put off the killing for the day after?



::YAWN::


I'm much too sleepy to develop bone-crushing mandibles at the moment... Andie save the de-evolution for the more energy time with no big sky light....

Goodbye light light land.
I come back laterz  to play in the moonlight...

"we are
we are the shaken
we are the monsters
underneath your bed
yeah
believe what you read
we are
we are mistaken
we are the voices
inside your head
yeah
believe what you see"

I'm so pissed off...I mean, really... what is the point in stealing an old rusty bike off of someone's porch? It  wasn't in good condition. No one could have pawned it. Like I said, rusty, dirty and missing some parts. Worthless.

Which is part of the reason why I am not freakin pissed at the moment...Wait a minute, I am.  I just don't understand why someone would be so desperate to take my bike that they would come up on MY FUCKING PORCH and take what belongs to ME!!!

Shit, had they been honest people and wanted the bike they could have probably asked me for it and I would have been like "Sure, I don't like it as much as you do apparently."
But no. Some dumb fucking crackhead mexican probably shimmied his short, ugly, unevolved way up on to my porch and took my little black rusty bicycle.
Now what am I going to ride around the neighborhood and to the gas station this summer? Errrrr. 
But  I do suppose this gives me the opportunity to find that perfect, old school, second hand banana seat bike I always wanted. Maybe I'll find a nice red or blue one...Hmm.

Ya know, I really liked that bike.  It was little and black and silver and was all junky...but dammit that was my bike...
(Yeah...I know I'm bitching about a bike when I have a perfectly good truck and I happen to be over 16...but still, I'm just a kid at heart. )
And somebody stole this kid's bike.
So...now to do what any  angry, bikeless kid would do.

Get really stoned and find the fucker that stole my bike and beat his ass.

GRR!

I have a boyfriend....yes a boyfriend. I know, not like me. But I am happy...I spent the night with him Friday and Saturday and I just got home around 9:30-9:45a.m. today. Not only is he sweet and loving...he's hot. On top of that, he's the bass player for a fucking awesome band that, by the way, I went to see them play Friday night at the Nick in B'ham. He gave me a cute gray t-shirt for his band too...it has a lil robot with an ice cream cone in his hand. :D Ooh, and this is another sweet thing, he got me a little TOOL patch that is black and red. I was even looking for a patch to put on that cool khaki colored hoodie that I have. I might keep it on there til I find the marijuana leaf patch (which would match better) that I wanted to put on there. So, that means I will have to sew it on. That way I can put it on something else later. I may even make it the first patch for my camo patch jacket I wanted to make. I already have two other patches from Hot Topic...I probably have more patches somewhere...Time will find them. I really like the Rich Text editor...I don' t know why I didn't use it before. ::sigh:: I miss Chris. I can't wait til he comes down here to see me next week. :)...Well, technically this week. :D I'm still frisky...lol...is that bad that I am insatiable? I'm just always horny I guess. I love that boy...Hehehe...I've never found anyone that I feel so at ease around, who loves music just like I do, and we have so many things in common (or corresponding very oddly or close). I mean...I REALLY love him. I scare myself.... But that's ok. I know all this was meant to be so I'm going to ride with it and enjoy every second...Gah...I miss his soft kisses and feeling how warm he was laying right next to me. I'm going to miss that the next few days. Grrr...I miss his beautiful blue eyes and sweet face....I love looking at him... ::sigh:: I have the perfect boyfriend... :) Hopefully soon I will post a pic, for those of you who myspace, he' s my #1 friend on my friend space. Hehehe. ...

If u were a anime schoolgirl what would u look like?

YEA!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I swear to god I am going to fuck Jeremy up so bad....

Then his whore wouldn't want anything to do with him..

Just let me see that bastard...Ugh.

Uh oh...
somebody just got popped in Regency Park.

I'm horny...grrr.

I've been listening to music and junk since I got back from Jon's house...he asked me to pick him up from work and he put $10 in my tank so it's all good.  I packed a bowl after I picked him up and then when we got back to his place he rolled a joint...hehehe
I proceeded to eliminate the last of his giant jug of snack mix and...
Then I fell asleep on his damn on his damn uncomfortable couch rolled in the Dallas Cowboys blanket.

My mouth still hurts...ERG. I think I sunburned my lips...Owie owie owie...

I want a snackie...like choclate milk and ice cream...separately though.
I wish I wasn't so broke...I'd buy some groceries...::sigh::

Maybe I will call my mom and play poor, pitiful, starving artist....cause I kinda am.
I need milk for my cereal..

But now my mouth hurts and I don't know why... Almost like when my wisdom teeth were trying to come in. Errr...

I'm sleepy and hungry kinda. But it'll be ok.
We're waiting on Jeremy to come back so we can go swimming.

I'm slightly irritated...but that too shall pass very soon. I talk baby talk, so what?  I know the difference between "drown" and "drowned or drownded" as I have been known to say.
I also say "probly" and "choclate" so I guess since it's so normal for me, I didn't find the joke funny. I guess it would have been had I not meant to say it.
It's really no big deal.

Oh...I have a boyfriend now. :) No more whining in here...yay.

I gtg...my head hurts and I don't feel good.

But before I go, lyrics:

"Miss You Love" by Silverchair

Millionaire say
Got a big shot deal
And thrown it all away but
But I'm not too sure
How I'm supposed to feel
Or what I'm supposed to say
But I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle every day
And I miss you love

Make room for the prey
'Cause I'm coming in
With what I wanna say but
It's gonna hurt
And I love the pain
A breeding ground for hate but...

I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

It's just a fad
Part of the teenage angst brigade and
I'm not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just past
In the crowds of all the people

Remember today
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

Remember two days
I've no respect for you
And I miss you love
And I miss use love

I love the way you love
But I hate the way
I'm supposed to love you back

God damn it!

I'm packing a bowl and listening to music...quite relaxing....
especially after how hot it has been today.

I've really got nothing to complain about as of late...everything seems to be working just the way I wanted it to.  :D

We got the plumbing problem (had no clue it was broken) fixed. And tommorow the air will be fixed. Thank god.

I've managed to pay everything but the Knology bill this month, meaning all the money from me working from here on til Warped Tour is to pay the $50 something bill for our cable/internet/phone and to catch up on minor financial junk, and the rest is for fun! :D
I wanna get a half or an oz. before we go and maybe some other stuff.
I need to order my ticket asap and all that jazz...well 2 tickets since we're going to both the shows. I can't wait.

But more importantly...I can't wait til this weekend. ::sigh::
I need to clean the house.

I'm so lazy lol....

Time to smoke some green and eat some hummus and flatbread. Yummy!